5:00PM
“You’re making me feel angry.”
How often do we say this or a variation of it? That someone is making us feel something? I have a tendency to do it and I think a lot of others do as well.
Earlier today, a friend posted about some of the conspiracy theories happening now and how those groups make people feel like family. I commented about how I imagine those fringe groups may disappear if families made family members feel like family. He called me out for this, as the language seems to say that it’s the family members fault for not causing the one family member to feel loved, belonging, joy, hope, trust, and all of those things. To feel comfortable with the family and safe.
I’m grateful that he called me out on this. While I may sometimes use it in language, I don’t believe that any one thing makes a person feel a thing. In other words, I don’t believe that any one action is fully responsible for the emotions in another person. It is not a full causation. It is not I do X and this person feels Y. It’s more like, I do X and this person might be likely to feel Y, but may be as likely if not more likely to feel A, B, C, D, and so forth.
An example. I could be out to dinner with someone and want them to feel grateful, so I can pull out the chair before they sit down. Is my act of pulling out the chair what made them feel grateful? Well, I think it more likely depends on their experience with someone pulling out a chair. If they have always wanted someone to do that and have never had it happen, they may feel grateful. They may also feel surprised. Perhaps even elated. Or if they had an ex-boyfriend who did that for them but ended up breaking her heart, then she may feel fear, worry, and anxiety when I pull out the chair.
Was my act of pulling out the chair causing any of those emotions? I’d argue no, not really. What was causing the emotions was her memories and expectations based on her experience. What was causing it was her internal process, not my action.
Now, I suppose certain actions are likely to elicit certain emotions in most people, and yet, I think it’s so hard for us to know that for certain.
I say all of this to say that when we do things to others, and when others do things to us, we and they are not causing the emotions. We are not making them feel a certain way. We do not force them to feel “good” or “bad.” I don’t know if we can force them to feel anything at all. We can force them to do things, I’m not sure how much we can force people to feel things.
5:10PM
