9:00AM
“How are you?”
It’s such a simple question, yet can be so difficult to answer. Even more challenging: “How are you feeling?” Or “How do you feel?”
I remember asking these questions to the little neighbor girls in Tanzania. They were 4 and 6 years old at the time and spoke very good English. I’d ask them, “How are you?” And they’d say, “Fine.” I’d ask, “How is school?” And they’d say, “Fine.” I’d ask, “How is your mother?” And they’d say, “Fine.” No matter what I asked them, they automatically replied with “fine.”
It drove me crazy. I was trying to ask a human how they were and it felt as if they were responding with robotic answers. “Say ‘fine’ to everything that people ask you.” I can’t blame them, it’s also a cultural thing. In Swahili, I learned probably 30+ ways of responding with “good/no problem.” Shwari, freshi, hamna noma, hamna shida, mzuka, and many more.
But it’s not just in Tanzanian culture that people do this, but in many cultures around the world. We’re taught the words that we’re supposed to say about how we feel and when we’re allowed to say those words. In an office (if those still exist post-quarantine), if someone asks how you are, are you allowed to say angry? Horny? Depressed? Depends on the office and the particular culture there, but most likely no. Many offices allow us to say that we’re motivated, excited, and other “positive” emotions, but not all.
I’m writing about this because I’ve been struggling for a while to figure out what I’m working on in life. More than anything, if I’m building a martial art or a system of self-defense, what am I protecting? Is it the heart, the emotional self, the faith in humanity? What is it?
I felt struck last night. That what I’m protecting is the willingness to communicate emotions with people. To say how I’m feeling and to imagine how other people are feeling. I notice that when I get into fights with people, when people emotionally attack me (rejection, guilt tripping, betrayal, praise, etc.), I often close off emotional communication with them. I either ignore them or shout and attack back. In both ways, I’m still communicating emotions but not directly or openly.
What happens when I become more distant from someone? I answer the “how are you” question with more walls. “I’m fine.” “Good.” “Nothing.” Or I lash out at them.
I felt so much more relaxed when I realized this and hope it carries forward.
9:10AM
