5:00PM
I reflect on the emotional conflict that I’m currently experiencing and what keeps coming up is the conflict that I’ve avoided. There are at least five people, off the top of my head, with whom I got into a minor conflict, and have since avoided sending them a message. I don’t know how they’re feeling, I can only guess. For me, I feel fear they may yell at me for not replying or attack my character or whatever.
I have noticed that I have this tendency to run away from conflict when someone seems to be more aggressive and assertive in it. Perhaps it’s natural. When something pursues, the other flees. When something flees, the other pursues. I find myself fleeing some of these conversations. One with an ex-girlfriend, one with a business colleague, two with friends through organizations, and can’t even recall the fifth. I think that I’ve become good at resolving conflict when the person runs from me—I stand my ground and tell them what I want to say and say that I’m here if they want to eventually talk—but not so much when the people are chasing after me.
As a side note, I notice I say “I think” a lot and can rephrase some of those, like the one above, to “I feel confident” or “I feel unsure.”
Anyways, back to the original topic. I believe that running away from these conflicts doesn’t resolve them, but rather allows them to continue to fester in my mind, spoil in my heart. And as they do, they seem to interfere with my ability to resolve other conflicts in my life. I feel so embarrassed at not having done the assignment on time that I don’t talk to my one colleague, and my worry over that can make me avoid certain platforms of communication because I don’t want to “bump into him.” However, by avoiding those platforms, I may cause other conflicts in life—people may think I’m avoiding them or that I’m struggling with other aspects of life.
I feel excited to resolve more of these conflicts, to repair more of these relationships. At the end of the day, I feel confident that so many of our interactions end us pushing us just a little farther away from each other and that over time, our bonds start to break. When these bonds break, we struggle to work together to build things, fix things, and overall live a united life. Something about the combination of strengthening, protecting, and repairing these bonds gives me confidence and a proper challenge to move forward. There will always be conflict to resolve, relationships to protect.
I feel a little unsure about how much I rambled in this writing and I also feel confident that rambling is OK. If I am to get more comfortable with conflict, I must recognize it will always exist in some form, even in this.
5:10PM
