Two years. That’s probably the maximum amount of time that I’ve committed to something—a project, a relationship, a job, an apartment, or even a city. I’m sure there are a few examples outside of that, but I’m starting to see a pattern in how I switch it up after just a couple years.
I was talking with someone about how romantic relationships and she said that maybe I’m just more focused on contracts and it clicked. I think marriage scares me because it feels forever—most forever things seem to scare me. The idea that something will be static, unable to adapt to its environment for the rest of my life gives me pause—a lot of pause. I’m sure that I overplay the rigidity of it and there is more flexibility than I imagine. I want to dig into this more.
I don’t just fear the forever of a romantic partnership, I fear the forever of one company, one brand, one product, one location, one house, one look, one story, one anything. I fear getting bored. I fear feeling stuck. I fear feeling suffocated.
I wonder if I’m overlooking the fact that my parents have lived in the same house for my whole life. As much as I’ve explored and tried new things, I’ve always had a very solid, stable base. I’ve roamed free, changed things, and known in the back of my head that this was always here. Perhaps that gave me freedom to explore.
Perhaps that stability at home gave me the desire to explore. Seeing things that seem to be the same day-after-day and wanting to taste a new part of the world. This desire has led me to places that few peers have dreamt of seeing—by age 34, I’ve been to maybe 25+ countries and have lived on three continents. It has introduced me to so many people from so many walks of life—rich/poor, young/old, tech/artist/factory worker, and from so many homes. It has led me to learn so much—computer programming, marketing, emotions, conflict resolution, web design, salsa dancing, juggling, etc.
This desire to explore has taught me much but maybe I’m out of balance on the explore/exploit spectrum. Maybe I need to recognize that I can explore a lot within a narrow field, that I don’t have to create a new field to explore. I don’t always have to be a beginner. I can become really deep in one topic, place, or relationship.
Who knows. I still like to explore, maybe I can reframe exploiting into an exploring challenge.
