Originally posted on the iFeelio blog…
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You’ve heard it before. “That guy was such an idiot.” Or, “this job is junk.” Or, “that woman over there is stunning.”
Let’s take the example of the so-called idiot.
Was he really an idiot?
“Such an idiot”
I’m driving down the street, rush hour traffic, coming home from work. All of a sudden, the man in front of me cuts me off and I slam my brakes. As my chest hits the seat belt, my heart hits my chest, and words explode from my mouth:
“Watch where you’re going! Why are you such an idiot?!?!”
Let’s step back. I just labeled this person an idiot, which the dictionary defines as “a foolish or stupid person,” and I have never met this person. He could be a nuclear physicist. He could be a professional stunt car driver. I don’t know.
How do I feel?
So what I do in these situations is try to ask myself, “How do I feel?” I would guess in this situation, I’m feeling some sort of anger, maybe some fear, maybe some anxiety, maybe some frustration, maybe some deep insecurity. Perhaps this is not the first time someone cut me off in traffic that day, perhaps I recently had a near-death traffic accident, perhaps I am going through a very difficult breakup. Regardless, the emotion was triggered in this event.
What is happening?
The other key thing I do is ask myself, “What is happening?” I focus on the thing that happened, not so much on who caused the thing to happen. In this case, a car moved in front of a driver (me) and slowed unexpectedly, which caused the driver to slam his brakes and slam against his seat belt.
Assumed intention
We cannot know what other people intend. We can sometimes guess their feelings (facial expressions, body language, etc), but we have no direct access to their intentions. However, we do our best to assume them. In the “such an idiot” case, we may be assuming that the person was oblivious to our well-being and we think that he should have known better or worse, was purposely trying to cause us harm.
But really, we have no idea.
And we never will.
So let’s give him the benefit of the doubt.
For his sake and for ours.