DailyJim: How many relationships will I lose because it scares people how much they love me?

Hello everyone, welcome to another Daily Gym. Today is Monday, January 6th, 2025. Today I want to talk about how many relationships will I lose because it scares people how much they love me.

This one might be a little raw today.

I may have just lost another relationship.

And I think in this context, you know, we talk about romantic relationships. But it's also family relationships. It's also friend relationships. It's just sometimes the romantic ones can be the most emotional. Frankly, it can be the most intimacy, the most emotional intimacy, the most love, the care, the strongest connection and attachment. I mean, other than maybe parent-child bond.

But even then, sometimes stronger.

And I was going to title this episode, How many relationships will I lose? How many relationships have I lost because I don't have money? And I got furious. I haven't shouted so much. I was in the house alone shouting, like just screaming at how the lack of money.

Has maybe destroyed so many of my relationships. Romantic ones, family ones, friend ones, It's how many relationships have ended because of it. And then something came to me and it said, it's not the money, man. It's not the money. Because even if you get the money, it's not the problem. Maybe it's one of the problems. But I think what it is is that I think people get really scared how much they love me, how much they care about me. That it hurts them so much to see me in certain situations. Money is one of them. and that it hurts people so much to see me struggling financially, but it hurts them so much to see me struggling in other ways. And it scares people that they can't let go. It scares people that they come back. Maybe it makes them angry that they keep coming back. They keep caring about me and they don't want to because it hurts them so much. And again, I'm talking about romantic, but this is family relationships. This is friend relationships. I ask for money on Facebook and people, I think it hurts so many people to see me struggling that much. I did a video years ago on YouTube after a breakup, and I was bawling my eyes out. And I had a friend tell me he watched it. No, he listened to it because he couldn't bear to watch me in so much pain.

And I think my sadness, my pain brings up the sadness and pain in so many other people, and they don't want to deal with it because we've been fucking taught to not feel pain. that somehow we are much stronger if we don't feel pain. I think that's absolute bullshit. I think the weak people are the ones who can't feel pain. It's weakness to not feel pain. Shit, we die if we don't feel pain. There are people who are born without pain, they die because we need to feel pain. And fear is often just the anticipation of pain in the future that we don't want. Anger, maybe trying to stop the current pain that's happening.

I think a lot of people feel pain when they connect so deeply with me because I feel the pain life is hard sometimes, and the more that we love the more that we feel sad the more that we care about somebody the more we miss them.

And it hurts and we've had so much bullshit passed on generation to generation telling people not to cry not to feel pain, And then we have other people in our lives telling us, no, you just got to be cool. You just got to be indifferent. You just got to chill, you know? No problems. Just relax. Everything's peaceful. Yeah, man, everything's cool. That's how life works. We are caring animals. We care about each other. We care about ourselves.

But how many relationships am I going to lose? It's not about the money. If I get the money, they may still feel the anger, the sadness, the fear, the jealousy.

One woman once said to me, she didn't want to feel the anger. She didn't want to feel the jealousy. She didn't want to feel. She wanted to feel less. In other words, she wanted to love less. She didn't want to care so much. There are even books out like The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck, which he says is not really about that, but it still kind of is. Is still kind of encouraging apathy, still kind of encouraging us to stop caring so much. Hell, even a lot of these religions are focused on peace and peace being like preparing for death and just stop feeling, stop loving so much, detach. What about attaching? What about caring? What about having the courage to care and recognizing that when we love somebody, it hurts, but it's okay to feel pain because it's coming from love. It's coming from care.

Again it's not about the money because man it's easy to think oh you know if only you had more money or if only what did they say to me in the past if i were more stylish if i were more musical if i were um younger if i were uh sometimes maybe older no i don't know if i were a different skin color, if I better at dancing, maybe I already said that one, if I had a better job, if I had more money, if I had a bigger house, if I had a blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

If I were better looking, maybe I even said that one. I don't know. If I were more muscular, if I were more athletic, all these things. But then what happens if I get them? Now they don't have an excuse to not love me so much and they might just make up other things to try to push me away, to try to not love me so much.

And I'm not saying that this is specific to me. It's just that we fight love so much. We live in a society that tells people to stop loving, stop caring. Why are you caring about that person? You shouldn't care about that person. God, why do you love that person? God, you're loving that person? Like you shouldn't love somebody like that. You should love somebody that fits into this category of this, this, this. But really what it is, they're saying you're not supposed to love so much. Stop loving so much. Why are you so affectionate? Why are you so? And what they're saying is they're fucking jealous. They're jealous of the affection. They're jealous of the courage to love somebody, even if they don't fit the boxes. Because it's not even about the boxes. It's about the level of love. And so many of us, so many of us are told by other people and we tell ourselves, don't love so much. Because love will bring pain. You know what also brings pain? Death. You know what also brings pain? Drug addiction. You don't also, like, there are lots of things in life that bring pain. You want to be attached to a drug or you want to be attached to a human? I would prefer to be attached to a human. It brings pain, but it also brings so much joy, much longer-lasting joy than I think drugs do.

I don't know. I'm just in this phase right now. I recognize I want to have money, and maybe that will help some of these relationships. But I think the core aspect, the core aspect is people feeling so deeply connected to me and then feeling terrified of how deeply connected they feel, they love it when they feel the joy but they really don't love it when they feel the pain, they really sometimes fight this pain and fear the pain and get angry, why are you leaving me, why are you so far why don't you, you know, Life is going to bring pain. If we love somebody, if we love something, it's going to hurt when it's no longer there. It's true. Even if they're no longer there for a minute or two, it doesn't have to be a week or a month or a year. It could just be just a brief moment. That person's not there. My mom passed away two years ago, as of what, two days ago. It was the anniversary. I still miss my mom.

I'm sitting here. It's like, there's the Christmas tree. There's the seat on the couch where she normally sit. Her laptop's even still here. It's like, I miss my mom. I'm always going to miss my mom. It hurts. But you know what makes it feel better? Me saying I miss her because I love her so much. Reminding myself that I love people makes me feel better. Because the pain is coming from love. The pain is coming from love.

And the joy comes from love and the fear and the worry and the anger, the excitement and the gratitude it all comes from love.

I just wish I just wish we would let ourselves love I just wish we wanted to love I just wish we focused on it so much, and when people told us to not then we told them frankly to fuck off in a very kind and loving way, like listen listen i love you no matter what you're going to do and what you've done, and that makes me feel so much better so when people tell me to stop loving so much stop caring so much no sorry i'm gonna relentlessly love because i'm loving anyways it's just whether we want to admit it or not almost all of these emotions come from love come from our attachment to things and to people to ourselves this is one of the most emotional ones i've done in a long time and i don't even know the time i had 10 minutes of course i keep going over time, I hope, I hope I can do something that shifts culture, that shifts individuals in my life, that shifts society, so that we start loving, we start focusing on love and not on peace, that we start focusing on the care that we have for ourselves and each other, and we celebrate it.

Because otherwise, what's the opposite? it. We go to an uncaring world where we pretend that we don't care. If we don't care, we die. I have to care about my body. Otherwise, I die. I don't drink water. I don't breathe there. I die. I have to care about other people or they die. I have to care about things in my life or they die or they fall apart. I've got to maintain relationships, got to maintain people and maintain things. Because if we don't, I want to live. I want to live. I want to love. I want to recognize that I'm loving no matter what I do. Let me just be honest about it. And to the people who are currently fighting so much against it and pretending that they don't love, you love. You love. And it's okay that you love. It's okay that you care. Not even that it's okay. It's good. It's actually really good that you care because if you didn't care, who knows what would happen to you or to the people that you don't care about, but you do. I am always going to love and going to fight so damn hard to stay aware of how much I love and how I'm going to love whether I want to. We talk about, oh, we talk about unconditional love. We are built from unconditional love, but we pretend we put conditions on it. We pretend we put all these fake conditions on top. Oh, if you had this, I would love you. If you have this, I would love you. If I have this, you love anyways. The fact that you wish they had it is because you love them so much and you want them to have like happiness or you want them to have joy or comfort or whatever it is. It's because you care about them. That's why you want them to have it. And because you want them to have it because you care about yourself. You want somebody to have money so that they're well, but you also want you to have money so you're well. That is a love. It's out of care. It's not out of this uncaring, apathetic, indifferent, nonchalant, I don't give a shit about the world. There's nobody in the world that doesn't give a shit about the world. It's just pretend nonsense, absolute nonsense that we've been passed on from cultural bullshit.

You care. You care about yourself. I almost got into a fight at the bar. I'm going to go long on this one. I don't really give a shit today. I almost got into a fight at the bar the other day because I was talking with the guy. I talked to this guy for 15 minutes or something. We were reminiscing about me playing basketball in his town back in the day. He was talking about how he could dunk when he was 5'9". I was like, you were 5'9 dunking in eighth grade? No way. We were talking, we had a really good time. He was in a fight with his girlfriend next to him and the girlfriend was pissed off because he was flirting with the bartender. But he said he wasn't but then after they all left the bartender told me yeah he definitely flirted when the girl went to the bathroom and so he said he wasn't and so the girl girl was pissed off at the bartender giving her evil eye and stuff and she said the bartender doesn't like me I said I told I told her I said the fastest way for me to feel good in life is to believe everyone likes me that everyone cares about me because I feel so much better and then I said Maybe I used the wrong wording, right? I said, I looked at her and said, listen, you don't know me, but I believe you like me and I like you. And then I think I said, but I think you, I mean, you like him better. Like you like him more. Maybe I used the wrong wording. All of a sudden I turn around and look at the bartender. I turn back and this dude has turned his back to me and he's like, don't fucking talk to me. I was like, what? What happened? I was clueless. Don't, don't, I was like, what? So I turned back to the bartender and I tried to turn to him and say, listen, man, I was, no, I didn't say like, no. Don't don't you don't shut up now and I was like huh and then they stood up and as he's walking out he says ain't nobody like you I was like what what. Ah, this man I think loves that woman so much. He's so terrified of how much he loves this woman and he pretends he doesn't. So he flirts with other women to try to like break up the love that he has for her. He's trying to, oh, if I just flirt with this other woman, then I'm not gonna love her so much. I can distribute this love. I can soften the love that I, no, no, you just add more love. You care about both of them now. Now you have more love in your life. Now you have more complexity. You have more love. You have more salient love. And then it's harder to pretend that it's not there. The more time you spend with somebody, the more you care about them. The deeper intimacy and relationship you have with somebody, the more you care about them. Even if you think you don't. And so now this man is angry that I'm talking with her because like, oh no, she can't care about you. It's fine for her to care about me. She's going to care about me anyways. We're human beings. We want to take care of each other. We don't want people to die. We're not going to poison them. We open doors for people. We're looking out to make sure if somebody's hurt, we try to take care of them. And so I almost got in a fight because this guy didn't want her to like me. She don't like you. Maybe he was pissed off at how much he liked me.

Maybe he was pissed off at how much he thought I was a good guy. Like, oh man, you good guy, why are you hitting on my girl? He didn't say that, but it's kind of like, no man, it's okay for you to love your girl. It's okay for you to love and care about the bartender. It's okay. It doesn't mean you have to be with them. but we love and care. We love and care. And so I don't know, maybe I'm going to continue to lose so many relationships because this idea is, it seems radical. It seems extreme in today's society that we are just naturally caring beings or is, uh, I think unmistakably good is something that Father Greg Boyle says, unshakably good.

And yeah, but maybe I'm just going to continue to lose relationships because it's really hard to fight for this idea when other people are telling you, no, no, no, you shouldn't love this person so much. What they're really saying is you shouldn't love so much. What they're really saying is you should pretend that you don't love. If you stuff all those feelings away, then you don't feel them and they magically go away. They don't, they just manifest in different ways. They cause problems because now we're not very safe. We don't realize what our body is going to do. If we can't pay attention to the emotions, we cannot predict our behaviors or we can't predict the behaviors of other people. And so, yeah, I think it's really dangerous. It actually leads to more pain when we pretend we don't love.

But who am I? I don't have the title. I don't have the money. I don't have the fancy house or the fancy car. I don't have the muscles. I don't have this. Who am I? Who am I to say this?

I want to look, I want to admit that I love, I love admitting that I love. I, like I said, when I feel almost any emotion, I'll say it's okay. You know, for example, right now I'm feeling quite motivated and angry. And I can say to myself, it's okay to feel motivated and angry. Why is it okay to feel motivated and angry? Because it says I care about myself and I care about other people. And I want other people to be lifted up and to celebrate life. And so do I. And I want to keep people in my life. I want to keep these loving relationships. That's why it's okay to feel motivated and angry. And if I feel sad, it's okay to feel sad. Why? Because I miss that person. It says I care about them so much.

Why is it okay to feel sad if somebody attacks me or if somebody insults me because it says I care about myself. And it hurts when somebody says these things about me. Why is it okay to feel excited? Why is it okay to feel proud? Why is it okay to feel grateful? Why is it okay to feel terrified? Why is it okay to feel worried? It's okay to feel worried because it says to me that I want the other person to be well. I want to be well. I want people to be well because I love and care about them. So it's okay to worry. It is like one of the easiest, simplest ways, maybe simplest ways to have a more loving relationship with myself.

But again, I don't have the title. I don't have the book. I don't have, so this is what I mean. I want to have those things now because I care about myself. Why do I want to have these things? I'm tired of like walking around with socks that have holes in them. Like my toes are sticking out. I want to have some socks, man. But I also want to share this message on a much larger platform. I want people to hear what I'm saying, but to really hear it and to integrate it and to fight back when people say, oh, you know, I don't give a shit. Like, no, you care. What happens? We get into fights and it's like a heated battle. Oh, well, I don't care about you anyways. Of course you care. Somebody who loudly says, I don't care about you, cares a lot, a lot, but they're fighting against it. And that fighting against it, from my opinion, leads to self-hatred. It is literally fighting against the self.

Do people want to hate themselves? Fighting against how you feel and pretending you don't care about people is the fastest way to hate yourself. And so when people give this, well, he's, you know, this person's very cool. This person's very nonchalant. I'm like, that person's very numb. That person fights themselves a lot. Anytime they have a feeling, they try to push it down. That doesn't sound very loving. That doesn't sound very healthy. Because the feelings are eventually going to come out. And they're going to come out in really unexpected ways, really disproportionate ways.

So I can't believe I just did 20 and a half minutes on this. But why did I do 20 and a half minutes on this? Because I care. If you're not hearing the message after 20 minutes, maybe I can just say it more and repeat it and smash it into your head. Because I care. Because I really want people to hear this message. Why do I really want people to hear this message? Because it hurts me when I see people numbing themselves and fighting against themselves. Why does it hurt me when I see people fighting against themselves and numbing themselves? Because I care about them and I want them to feel open and alive and loving and happy and free. And I want them to be safe and I want them to be strong. Why do I want them to be safe and strong? Because I care about them. Because I love them. Because I want them to live. I want them to be in my life. Why do I want them to live and be in my life? Because I care about them. If you're not getting the picture, I could do this for another 15, 20 minutes. But I hope you understand what I'm talking about.

We care. We love. And when we pretend we don't, we fight against ourselves. When we fight against ourselves, we hurt ourselves a lot. And then we think, oh, I'm hurting myself, so therefore I don't care about myself. No, no. You're fighting against yourself. Let's see. Why would somebody fight against themselves? Because they care? Why would Why would I try to suppress the sadness that I have?

Because I am afraid of crying too much. And why am I afraid of crying too much? Because I'm afraid I'm going to lose control or I'm afraid I'm going to become suicidal or I'm afraid, aha, if I'm afraid I'm going to become suicidal, what is it? I'm afraid of hurting myself because I care about myself. It still comes from a loving place. Why do people suppress stuff because they care about themselves i just don't think it's very effective but it's coming from a loving place i'm wondering if i just totally deflated my whole argument oh no do people love that do people suppress their feelings because they about themselves.

Yes, because sometimes we're really afraid of the things we'll do to ourselves. And I have met a lot of people who, to me, especially because I talk about emotions a lot, have opened up and shared how they've had suicidal thoughts or ideations or even attempted suicide.

And i think a lot of people are afraid of the pain afraid of feeling too much because, we get overwhelmed with the feelings and when we get overwhelmed with the feelings sometimes we try to stop the feelings and we are afraid that we are going to hurt ourselves even more maybe even take our own lives we're afraid other people will take our own life if we do something Um, so I think there is this fear of, uh, dying that, uh, happens if we feel too much because we get overwhelmed and again, maybe dying by our own hand. And so maybe people who really fear all this feeling is people who, I don't know, we get to that point, we get so overwhelmed that we want to cause a lot of harm to ourselves.

And maybe a lot of us have done things in the past when we got really emotional, when we started to feel a lot of pain and we start associating, if I feel a lot of pain, I will do something, that will lead me to a lot more pain. So I don't want to feel that pain.

Oh, and now this is bringing up so much for me because I think about the people in my life, especially relationships I've been in the past, and I think, especially romantic ones, and I think, yeah, sometimes when we feel such a strong feeling, we run to different addictions, and those addictions cause us even more pain. Or, again, we maybe try to take our own lives or we self-harm. And so we become afraid of feeling so much but why is it because we love ourselves and we care about ourselves so i just hope this idea kind of sinks in that at any point even if we're trying to harm ourselves even if we're trying to commit suicide it's still out of love because we see how much pain we're causing to somebody else and we want to stop causing that pain to them and we see how much pain that we're in and we want to stop that pain.

I don't think it's a very effective solution, but the intention is still out of love. The intention is still from care. And this is what I'm trying to get at. No matter what we do, we still have love either for ourselves or for others and pretty much always for everyone. No matter what we do, no matter how we feel.

So I'm going to end this before the chime rings, and I'll talk to you all tomorrow. Bye.